“WE’RE GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB!”
How many times have you heard this sober? Not many, but after a few drinks, it’s usually exclaimed as a half-joke and met with cheers and more drinks.
But… ask that question in a circle of women who have actually been to a male strip club and you won’t get the same enthusiasm. You’d be lucky to not get sent home right then and there.
Because male strip clubs are terrible.
Not all male strip clubs look like this:
Much like standard female strip club, male strip clubs are not stocked with Calvin Klein models. They might be stocked with guys who hit the gym a few times a week but unless you plan to imagine Chris Pratt’s face and personality on that body, keep your standards low when you take a seat inside the establishment.
The most you’ll see is a bare booty
Male strippers do not get fully nude no matter how many $5 tips you give them. Which I’m not entirely sure is a good or bad thing because who really wants that thing flopping all over the place while you’re trying to enjoy a good time. It’s distracting.
They stuff their underwear
Think you’re the only one fooling the opposite sex with wonder bras and booty pops? Think again. Most male strippers wear two pairs of underwear and stuff one of the pairs to appear bigger in that region. It’s fraudulent but hey, women have been stuffing their bras for quite some time so there’s no reason to think some guys wouldn’t do the same.
You have to pay for the lap dances
When a woman goes to a standard strip club, there’s usually a group of guys waiting in line to buy you a lap dance from a female stripper. But at a male strip club, you’re on your own. And believe me when I say that when it comes time to pay for said dance, you can feel your pride escaping you $1 at a time.
Plus, the lap dances are awkward
You know the “when is this gonna be over?” thought you have when you aren’t really enjoying… uh… let’s not go there. But that’s the same thought you have while getting a lap dance from a male stripper. 15 seconds into it, you’re contemplating how safe this really is and when the awkward dance is going to be over with already.
The on-stage dances are horrifying
I’m not sure how prevalent this is, but one male strip club I’ve been to set the stage for an acrobatic routine. A metal U-shaped bar attached to the roof was set up above the main stage. During a special dance usually reserved for someone’s birthday or bachelorette party, a woman is brought on stage and told to sit in a chair. The guy then puts on a special belt or strap with a latch that hooks to the U-shaped bar above the woman. He then flips upside down and swings around to where his crotch is practically (definitely) dry-humping her face.
It’s quite entertaining to watch and the woman seemed to enjoy herself but the look of horror on my friend’s face with the “I’ll cut you if you put me on that stage” is enough to watch this spectacle from afar.
BUT if you are looking for a good time with your girlfriends…
Hit up an actual male review show like Thunder From Down Under. I’ve gone to plenty of standard male strip clubs and they’re all terrible with expensive drinks and shady atmospheres but an actual male review show is a damn good time.
All of the guys take extremely good care of their bodies, they perform on stage to choreographed routines and the dances aren’t appalling. It’s about as classy as it gets when you’re talking about these kind of establishments.
I watched Thunder From Down Under in Vegas for a bachelorette party and the money was well spent. All of the tables are bolted into the ground because while the guys are doing their routines they regularly jump from the stage onto your table. I saw one guy take a running start to jump onto a table, grabbed a bottle of water and dumped it all over himself causing numerous women to pull their jaws from off the ground.
At the end of the show, you can pay an additional fee to take a picture with the guys. Just don’t let them try to sell you supplements when the show is over. (Yes, this is a real thing that happened to our group.)