Category: Advice

How seeing an ex boyfriend can help free your broken heart

Three years ago, I came home from work to find a canary-colored breakup letter on my counter top from my boyfriend with the dreaded “I love you but I’m not in love with you” statement. Despite having similar friends, I hadn’t seen or heard from him ever since. Until just recently when we practically bumped into each other as if it had been planned all along.

Mark and I met where a lot of couples meet—the workplace. He was the cute, funny guy who made me laugh after I was going through a terrible broken engagement. I knew the country boy who always wore boots and took care of horses was a great guy, but I had no interest in pursuing a work relationship.

As luck would have it, he took a promotion a couple months later at another company and we started dating the same evening of his last day at work.

After a year of meeting families, friends and taking vacations, we decided to move in together with the goal of making a life together. Two years go by and Mark is ready to start building a house on property we had been clearing off for 6-months.

“I want to build us a life together. This is where our driveway will come in. Here is where you can have a garden and we’ll keep the animals over there. Our bedroom will go here and your office can be in this part of the house.”

After weeks of meeting with a couple vendors, we decided on the “first of a few” homes we would share together over our lifetime.

A week later, Mark started acting in a strange behavior you only notice after your heart has been broken and it’s searching for answers.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

The company we both used to work for was having financial problems and an entire department was laid off. As I left work for the day, my cousin -whom I also used to work with – had called to talk about it. As we chatted the entire way home and I pulled into my driveway, I kept the car running and sat in my driveway for at least 45-minutes talking to her about work and Mark’s weird behavior. In the 7+ years I’ve lived in my house, that remains the only day I sat in my driveway talking on the phone.

As I hung up with her, I got out of my car, opened the front door and saw the canary-colored piece of paper.

I knew immediately.

Without reading a line, I knew he had left me.

im sorry i can't sex and the city

I rushed past the counter to the bedroom to see an empty closet. Everything he had in the house was gone. Even the fucking blanket his mother gave *us* for Christmas. You know the really fuzzy, super-soft blanket that’s perfect for couch naps? Yeah, the jerk took that blanket.

I went back to the counter to read my-already known fate. I barely got passed the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” portion when I picked my phone up and started calling.

He wouldn’t answer. But that didn’t stop me from blowing up his phone with texts and calls as if it were Normandy Beach in 1944.

I never did speak with him and to say I was devastated would be to put it lightly.

I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. And for weeks I would wake up in the middle of a night, immediately reach for him and after feeling the cold emptiness on his side of the bed, I would be forced to pace through my house to calm myself down from a nightmare I couldn’t escape.

It felt like a death.

But not just from one person. It was also the loss of connection to his sister and parents, who were as good as my kin. An entire network of relationships was ripped from me all at once and I had to mourn a future that was no longer a possibility.

Every day for more than two years, I thought about Mark. I resisted anyone who tried to get too close by picking out an annoying habit where it would bother me enough to call things off.

I tried like hell to move on. I worked like crazy to advance my career, went on vacations and had frequent one-night stands with guys I knew I’d never see again. Some of these men have been the most beautiful men I’ve ever laid eyes on with careers to match.

But in my mind, I always came back to my feelings about Mark. I knew if I didn’t feel remotely the same towards someone new as I did with Mark, it was a waste of my time.

This is where my issue was. I was letting my ex control my future with other men because he redefined what it meant for me to fall in love.

real love

In the middle of my fun-and-unpredictable single life, I found out Mark got engaged.

And when I did, it stopped me dead in my tracks. I sat in my office, drank whiskey from a bottle and cried with my head in my hands thinking of all the times I could have reached out to rekindle us that my stubborn pride simply wouldn’t allow immediately following the breakup.

It was this night I finally decided it was time to let him go.

So I did. And just a month later, I started dating Charles.

Charles and I had been Twitter friends for a couple years and hung out occasionally when out of the blue, I had a dream about him. He had always been a flirt around me but the dream—nothing sexual, just smiling and laughing together—struck me enough to text him the next day. A week later, he was taking a red-eye flight to be with me on Valentine’s Day where we eventually had our first kiss in the middle of the airport.

Whew.

After two years, that’s the feeling I had been searching for.

Charles and I connected on nearly every aspect of life. Including how our exes torched our hearts and left us in the dust around the same time.

We were long distance. 3,000 miles separated us and required at least a 4-hour flight to see each other. We didn’t care. We texted daily, FaceTimed every couple days and would see each other once a month before eventually dropping those three little words that have so much impact, “I love you.”

I feel as if Charles and I connected long distance because we had spent so long pushing people aside and it forced us to connect through communication. In a weird way, someone so far away couldn’t hurt you as much as the last person so we trusted each other so much that eventually turned into conversations about building a life together.

We were perfect, happy and madly in love.

love

We were perfect until he saw his ex 8-months into our relationship and decided he wanted to give them another shot.

I was devastated. Again.

“How could this possibly happen to me? The first person I plan a future with after Mark is doing this to me again.”

I went through the same motions of not eating and sleeping. Only this time, it lasted a few days, not weeks.

I found myself bouncing back a little more quickly.

It wasn’t because of a lack of love for Charles. It was because I had been through this before. I knew how to handle a breakup and put myself in the best situation to not allow my emotions to get the best of me. While I was angry, a lot, I channeled that energy at the gym and ended up dropping nearly 20lbs.

I was looking better, continuing to advance my career and slowly but surely, starting to enjoy life as a single girl again.

A few months after Charles and I broke up, I decided I was going to have a long-overdue night out. So I called a couple girlfriends, curled my hair, made sure my makeup was on point and threw on some leather pants with a nice pair of boots.

It was one of those great evenings where you’re dancing the night away and flirting your ass off in between taking shots you didn’t have to purchase. As the bar-hopping was winding down, we decided to go next door…

And that’s when I saw him.

After three years of avoiding each other like the plague, I opened the heavy wooden door to the other side of the bar and standing less than four feet away from me was Mark, sans fiancé.

“Ohhhhh FUCK” was the first thing to come out of my mouth as both of our eyes locked and doubled in size like a deer in headlights. After a few seconds of what felt like an eternity, he laughed, I laughed and we went in for a hug that felt like years of frustration leaving my body.

I couldn’t contain the smile that was surely a mile wide as I listened to him stumble over his words and struggle to form a complete sentence. In the background, I could hear his best friend laughing and saying “This is my favorite day, ever.”

We exchanged casual “how are you’s” and “how’s work” but the sexual attraction was immediate. The tension was so much that while I was in the middle of dancing with his best friend and laughing about the situation we found ourselves in, Mark was forced to sit down. He began to explain to my girlfriend, “I can’t believe this. I can’t believe she’s here. This is crazy.”

The night ended with us going our separate ways but seeing him for the first time in three years couldn’t have gone more perfect.

Seeing my ex was a point of reflection for me.

Charles helped me move on from Mark. But in an ironic twist of fate, it was seeing Mark that helped free me from them both.

You learn so much about yourself after a breakup. With every book that closes, at some point you’ll take a look back and attempt to figure out where you could have gotten better. You decide what you want and what you don’t want out of sharing a life with another person.

Either through a breakup, divorce or death, all relationships will end.

You probably won’t be able to control it but there’s one thing you can control—how you react to it. And even if it takes years to move on from a lost love, allow yourself to enjoy life as much as you can.

Easier said than done, I know.

But if you allow yourself these moments of reflection, you’re allowing yourself to let that shit go.

Because the closure and future loves will come, but only if you’ve been working on bettering yourself in the middle of the firestorm.

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xoxoxo

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How to Fake A Friendship With Someone You’ve Never Met

Two years ago, I wrote the most personal story I’ve ever written about a failed relationship. And up until recently, I avoided writing any personal stories since.

Why? Because after I wrote it, I became the target of a malicious woman who faked a friendship with me to get back at a mutual ex boyfriend.

How did she do it? Let me tell ya a story…

She Stalked My Social Media Profiles

As the meme suggests, sometimes bitches be crazy and there’s nothing you can do about it. And they will use everything you’ve ever posted online to feel like they know you.

I caught this woman creeping on my various social media profiles by what I posted and the messaging associated with it. Because the GuysGirl team avoids posting the same mundane information to each of our social media accounts, it was easy to conclude she had found my Twitter, Instagram and Facebook of which to gather information on me thus making it easier to fake our friendship.

She was sloppy though, because one of the other networks she used to scout me was LinkedIn and well, they show who looks at your profile.

She created Fake Text messages between us

After publishing the article that started it all, I got a less-than-pleasant call from my ex condemning the entire story. He said it was all lies, tell the whole story, yada yada yada. He may be delusional, but he’s not a bad guy so I continued to listen as he spouted BS that only justified why I broke it off years ago and haven’t looked back since.

He went on to explain that he “found out” I was cheating on him the entire time we were together and he had the proof. Since I’ve never cheated on anyone in my life, I asked him for the proof out of curiosity. This is when my jaw hit the floor because he sent me screenshots of text messages I’ve never seen but had my name on it as if I had sent them.

At first I thought this was a planned exchanged between the girl and someone else she knew. I assumed they created the conversation and then sent him the screenshots. But because I use Google for nearly everything, I searched “How to fake text messages” which brings up MILLIONS of results.

One of those results includes this website which is ONE OF MANY where you can customize everything from your battery life, time, date, service provider and yes, conversations.

fake text messages

After you enter whatever incriminating information you can think of, the website will send you an image of that conversation as if it was a screenshot taken directly from your phone.

When I made the discovery, I sent my ex the link and never got another fake screenshot again.

She sent Fake Emails…to herself

It takes all of 5 minutes to create a Gmail address. And this chick created one for herself and one for “me” to demonstrate all the times we spent gossiping about our mutual ex.

But when she took the screenshots of our faked email communications, she forgot to avoid the “Welcome to Gmail” introductory email from her screenshot.

She Made Up Elaborate Stories

To be fair, my ex and I spent nearly 7 years together so he would occasionally call and we’d share a quick ‘Merry Christmas’ and ‘how’s the family’ chat. But after this fiasco, it got to the point where he would call and my first statement wouldn’t be hello, it would be “No, I haven’t talked to her. We have never talked. We are not friends. I’ve never met this chick. Does that cover all of your questions?”

But since he was clearly addicted to the P, he continued to listen to her crazy stories.

One of those stories included me at a party where I slept with not one but two guys named Mike. And she found out about it because her good friend Kiwi walked in on us in the middle of the act.

Wut.

My first reaction was to laugh because, Kiwi, really? She couldn’t come up with a better name than that?

It was like the scene out of Family Guy where Peter attempts to come up with a fake name within seconds. And even he did a better job than this chick.

She Made a Free Website

Using images she found on a quick Google search, this chick also went as far as to make her own Blogspot website. Because Blogspot websites are free, it’s fairly easy to throw together a quick website and pass it off as legitimate information. She used images of myself, her and our mutual ex all over the website calling herself his “wife” and it even included a selfie he took with the words “Will you marry me?” and the date of the image.

Besides the weirdo factor, the website still exists to this day with regular updates. Thankfully any images of me were removed by her own doing but it’s also clear she’s made someone else her new target.

There was also another instance where she created a fake profile of another women my ex dated and would comment with that profile on specific articles I would cover on GuysGirl. She commented with personal information only a select few would know and when I would delete one comment, another one would come up.

When I first saw them, I was incredibly annoyed because I thought this was another crazy chick I’d have to deal with. But after a little digging on IP locations of where the comments were stemming from, I found out it was the same crazy girl using loads of information she only knew to paint a bad picture of every woman the ex has dated.

WHO HAS TIME LIKE THIS?

How I Handled It

With someone who you believe may be stalking you and borderline obsessed with everything you do, you have to take certain precautions. Because GuysGirl Media is an LLC, I have to list certain information online that’s available to the public. After this situation, I updated all of my important information online to a safe location and deleted anything else that wasn’t legally required.  I also spoke with legal council about a possible restraining order but decided in the end to just ignore her and see if she goes away.

To this day I have received only one email communication from her (sent through a GuysGirl.com contact form) and a couple Facebook messages to which I’ve ignored both. While this might not work for everyone, I haven’t had an issue in nearly a year.

But it is a little scary how much we reveal online. So if you want some tips on making your social media private, check out this article on GuysGirl where we covered just that.

And This is Why I Launched Questionably Classy

Questionably Classy has been one of the most popular categories on GuysGirl since we’ve launched five years ago. So it only made sense that it would be come an eventual spin-off. This coupled with my fear of writing anything super personal since this stalking situation fueled the launch of a new focus for QC.

We shouldn’t be afraid to share our stories online. But becoming personal in your storytelling leaves you vulnerable and after a bad experience, a little weary in sharing anything of honest value with your readers.

In an age where you have to question the validity of anything you see online, I mandated that stories on Questionably Classy are honest but anonymous. Therefore any stories you see on QC are real, but names and identities of those involved have been changed to protect both the writer and those featured in the story who may not want their private life out for the world to see.

It’s an exciting new venture for us at the GGM team and I have a couple crazies in my past to thank for that.

 

If you’re interested in sharing your story on QC, hit us up and let’s get the conversation going.

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The Almost Taylor-Swift-Free Breakup Playlist

Break ups are never fun. And the stages of grief that likely follow can really only be helped with time and a great music playlist.

Like many women, I’ve gone through my fair share of breakups. They’re the times in your life when you’re broken down to your core and the struggle to find yourself again is at times, longer than you’d like it to be.

But one thing that has always gotten me through the various stages of a breakup is music.

From one relationship to the next, you realize a bit of yourself in that one song which seems to get really popular just when you physiologically need it the most.

This list won’t be the same for everyone, but it’s been my journey to mental peace.

(more…)

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Blythe is a former sports and entertainment broadcaster who quit it alllllll in order to dedicate more time to her growing digital brands. As a solopreneur based in Jacksonville, Florida, this podcast highlights the ups and downs of managing a side hustle in hopes it can lead to that elusive work/life balance.

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