There are obvious general assumptions about a first love. That it’s magic. Scary. Frustrating. Experimental. So full of passion, right down to the bitter end. Which is why saying goodbye to your first love is so fucking hard.

Meet Mr. Mojo Risin’, formally known as James.

We met when we were eleven, and I had a crush on him through all of my awkward middle and early high school years. When I finally lost the braces and developed a B-cup, we went on our first date at sixteen. He was a soccer player, rule-breaker who liked to get high and skateboard down parking garages. I was an AP student, had a 10:00 curfew, and didn’t even know how to hit a bong.

A month later, we exchanged v-cards and so began the whirlwind of the next two years.

I still get a wave of chills when I think about it – never have I felt so dangerously intertwined with another person. He was manipulative, a pathological liar and downright crazy at times, but for a sheltered girl like me he was everything I wanted.  We had so much sex listening to The Doors the sound of Jim Morrison’s voice makes me quiver. I was the subject of his Canon experiments rooftops or in unventured fields.

It might have been young, but it was a passionate love that I have yet to experience again.

And naturally, it ended fucking horribly.

High school ended and we decided to go to college together (well me, him and his best friend). I couldn’t fathom the idea of not being in the same place, so I followed him like a puppy chasing his tail four hours north of our hometown.

With the comforts of home behind us, we quickly learned that we weren’t on the same page anymore. With my newfound freedom from my parents, I wanted to go out and party. He wanted to try psychedelic drugs in his dorm room that smelled like leftover pizza and bong rips.

But I couldn’t break up with him, I had gotten so comfortable in this tumultuous idea of a relationship that life without James didn’t seem like an option.

Funny how quickly your options change though, when a new card comes into play…

‘Loose lips sink ships’ is an ongoing series. check out the main page to see the latest updates in my hot mess of a dating life.

Featured image via We Heart It’s Jax Lockyer-Barrett