It may surprise you to learn that I have the gift of second sight (like Cate Blanchett in that redneck movie she did) and, as such, I have been shown the future time line of the NBA lockout, which I will share with you here:
January 2012: NBA regular season now canceled down to 15 games. David Stern commissions a study to find all the synonyms for “apocalypse.”
March 2012: Miami Heat defeat Oklahoma Thunder 112-107 in Olympic Qualyifying Game. Los Angeles Lakers establish citizenship in New Zealand in anticipation of Gold Medal Game.
April 2012: NHL and WNBA seen having coffee together and complaining that fans still not paying attention to them.
May 2012: NBA cancels last 15 games of regular season. David Stern releases documentary film “An Inconvenient Truth 2: How the NBAPA destroyed the planet.”
June 2012: Unemployment rate shows slight rise as NCAA graduating seniors suddenly need to find real jobs.
July 2012: Miami Heat defeat Los Angeles, er, Auckland Lakers to win Gold Medal. LeBron misses last quarter of award ceremony.
August 2012: With NBA still locked out, no college players declare early eligibility for draft. John Calipari complains he doesn’t know how to coach 19 year olds.
September 2012: NBA players emigrate en masse to play in Europe; learn that when you’re a millionaire, life is pretty good no matter where you live.
October 2012: NBA cancels first half of 2012 season. Chris Crocker posts weepy “Leave David Stern Alone” video on youtube.
November 2012: VH1 cancels “Basketball wives.” Launches “WNBA Husbands.”
January 2013: Mark Cuban announces he’s “sick of this shit,” folds the Mavericks and buys the Los Angeles Dodgers.
April 2013: NHL and WNBA merge and announce creation of new sport: “Ice Chick Stick Ball.”
June 2013: Desperate remaining NBA teams hire scab players. Resulting debacle draws worse ratings than “Ice Chick Stick Ball.”
September 2013: Mark Cuban fined $1,000,000.00 by MLB for running out onto field and bumping umpire after bad strike 3 call.
December 2013: NBA contracts to two teams, the Celtics and Lakers. Resulting rivalry rekindles 90’s style “East Coast/West Coast” rap war.
June 2014: NBA formally disbands. Three-time BEKO BBL Germany champion LeBron James signs with the Raiders to play TE.
June 2017: NCAA Tournament suffers record low ratings. Offers explanation: none of the great athletes want to play basketball anymore because there’s no money in it.
June 2023: NBA reforms with ragtag collection of players. League is dominated by mysterious 60 year old stranger wearing #23.