NBA Lockout Timeline Revealed!

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by •November 16, 2011 •More Sports NewsComments (0)116

It may surprise you to learn that I have the gift of second sight (like Cate Blanchett in that redneck movie she did) and, as such, I have been shown the future time line of the NBA lockout, which I will share with you here:  

January 2012:  NBA regular season now canceled down to 15 games.  David Stern commissions a study to find all the synonyms for “apocalypse.”

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March 2012:  Miami Heat defeat Oklahoma Thunder 112-107 in Olympic Qualyifying Game.  Los Angeles Lakers establish citizenship in New Zealand in anticipation of Gold Medal Game.

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April 2012:  NHL and WNBA seen having coffee together and complaining that fans still not paying attention to them.


May 2012:  NBA cancels last 15 games of regular season.  David Stern releases documentary film “An Inconvenient Truth 2:  How the NBAPA destroyed the planet.”


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June 2012:  Unemployment rate shows slight rise as NCAA graduating seniors suddenly need to find real jobs.

July 2012:  Miami Heat defeat Los Angeles, er, Auckland Lakers to win Gold Medal.  LeBron misses last quarter of award ceremony.

August 2012:  With NBA still locked out, no college players declare early eligibility for draft.  John Calipari complains he doesn’t know how to coach 19 year olds.

September 2012:  NBA players emigrate en masse to play in Europe; learn that when you’re a millionaire, life is pretty good no matter where you live.

October 2012:  NBA cancels first half of 2012 season.  Chris Crocker posts weepy “Leave David Stern Alone” video on youtube.

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November 2012:  VH1 cancels “Basketball wives.”  Launches “WNBA Husbands.”

January 2013:  Mark Cuban announces he’s “sick of this shit,” folds the Mavericks and buys the Los Angeles Dodgers.

April 2013:  NHL and WNBA merge and announce creation of new sport:  “Ice Chick Stick Ball.”

June 2013:  Desperate remaining NBA teams hire scab players.  Resulting debacle draws worse ratings than “Ice Chick Stick Ball.”

September 2013:  Mark Cuban fined $1,000,000.00 by MLB for running out onto field and bumping umpire after bad strike 3 call.

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December 2013:  NBA contracts to two teams, the Celtics and Lakers.  Resulting rivalry rekindles 90’s style “East Coast/West Coast” rap war.

June 2014:  NBA formally disbands.  Three-time BEKO BBL Germany champion LeBron James signs with the Raiders to play TE.

June 2017:  NCAA Tournament suffers record low ratings.  Offers explanation:  none of the great  athletes want to play basketball anymore because there’s no money in it.

June 2023:  NBA reforms with ragtag collection of players.  League is dominated by mysterious 60 year old stranger wearing #23.

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