You can call me crazy, most people do. Balanced, sane and stable are adjectives lost in the description of my dating life. I’m neurotically single; I have my reasons. A decade ago the qualities in a man that I craved had nothing to do with the gentleman’s ability to survive an apocalypse, much less protect me during one.
So let’s face it, chivalry is dead; we all know that. Nevertheless, I feel that today, in 2012, a gal should have a good guy looking after her but in the event she doesn’t, a girl’s gotta be prepared.
Hit the jump to see how a lady can survive a zombie apocalypse properly prepared….
In the city, a guy with adequate survival skills can be hard to find in a sea of fishes, wearing v-necks, sipping on vodka red bulls and sporting freshly waxed eyebrows.
These boys and their behavior constitute the essential need to know how to survive on your own sans prince charming. There are no dragons that need to be slain, I don’t think. (frick ,now I am scared of dragons…)
The last thing any apocalyptic diva wants is some D-bag’s spray tan washing off all over everything and compromising the grip on her waterproof, Mossberg 500 shot gun, right? I doubt zombies are intimidated by constant flexing. Relax, boys. Not only do you look ridiculous, you’re useless.
Weaponry, Attire, beauty survival kit and a plan to escape or bunker down are unambiguous. So here’s what you will need to survive a zombie attack in a world where you may have to use the philosophy of “me, myself and I”.
For my weaponry I prefer a medium size switchblade and a shotgun.
Any switchblade will get the job done, offering defense and utility, perfect. I mentioned the Mossberg 500 earlier. It can be waterproof (which I love) and you can find one with a pistol grip.
The pistol grip is perfect for smaller hands and let face it, its gangster. It’s a shotgun.
You aren’t going to look un-badass with this thing, ever.
Apocalyptic Yoga Swag
You don’t have to be able to run a marathon; however, it should be understood that it’s important to be in shape. You have to be able to move quickly and effectively through any situation that may arise.
For your apocalyptic swag, I recommend yoga attire. Yoga attire is universal, comfortable and shows off your glamour muscles.
I chose Vibe 5 fingers for my shoes because they’re awesome and I hate sneakers. Since the only thing I hate more than sneakers is socks, I’m sold. No socks necessary.
In my beauty survival kit I packed sun screen ( duh, post apocalyptic UV rays cause wrinkles, everyone knows that) chap stick, tweezers, waterproof mascara and co-co butter. The co-co butter can be used as mascara remover and moisture for all of your 2000, zombie killing, parts.
Be ready for Plan B
If you’re like me, you grew up with your mother swooning over MacGyver. My mother loved him so much she told me he was my real father. Because of his swagger, I learned a long time ago that you’re going to want to plan an escape or find a place to bunker down. Whatever your plan is make sure you have an additional backup plan. All jokes aside, having a MacGyver mindset certainly can’t do any harm.
So when the zombie apocalypse starts, now you know what to do when it’s time to suit up, be prepared and ditch the excess baggage. It’s a brave new world out there, baby and a girl’s gotta be ready.